Hate myself for being so damn fucking bad at sports. I mean, why can't I be like Isabel or Shanya or YiJuin. Why do I've to be this pathetic weak me. Shouldn't have quit track and field. But even then, I gave up on myself. The coach's forever saying I can't run properly. Always almost falling, slowing my entire time. Coach's always disappointed in me. Everyone's always disappointed in me. Why.

I let my stamina drop like some idiot. Gna train now. Gna run everyday. Idw to be this pathetic and weak anymore. But I hate running. I really do.

PE was really fun on Wednesday. Perhaps cause YiJuin & Isabel wasn't here. They are the better ones, so they tend to like, take the ball all for 'emselves. I can't blame 'em though. They're very competitive. I mean, they come from a sports cca. Of course they are. Plus, they are team mates. They will go to each other during sports.

But I really like it when they aren't here for PE on Wednesdays. Not that I hate 'em or anything but.. It's just that I've a chance to play, others have a chance to play too. Plus, on last Wednesday, Rachel and Shanya was stuck in the zone. So, there just left me, Dyah, Kristy and Kymberly. I actually played so much. I missed the times when I actually participate. I miss it.

But when YiJuin & Isabel's here.. They tend to think I'd not play. It's true though. I don't play when they're here. Cause I think I'm not good enough and they should be the only ones playing. I mean, it's like, I'm not good at anything right.. So of course they wouldn't pass the ball to me. It's just that with the others, I'm actually better than some of 'em. And it gave me an advantage.

I don't know.. I enjoyed my last PE. It was really fun. Guess it'll be my last time participating.

Cause it's girls & girls, it's fun. With guys.. I just tend to walk away. Just like with YiJuin 'em. I'm not good enough. Plus, they wouldn't even bother with me. I mean, they'd just throw amongst 'emselves too, right? So, what for have me? Maybe I'd just totally skip PE next week.. I mean, idw to just walk around as usual.. Plus, YiJuin & Isabel will be throwing the ball at each other right.

I almost told YiJuin this today. Shall not.. Idw 'em to think I'm selfish and all. I am.. I can't help it. But well, I'm just gna skip PE. There's no difference if I'm there or not with 'em there. Honestly? There's no difference if anyone else is there if there's YiJuin, Isabel, Shanya & Rachel.

Shanya knows.. I want to play. I mean, I do.. Rachel knows it too, I think. They keep trying to get me involved in the games. Haha. I can't blame YiJuin & Isabel though, with the attitude I give during PE. Well, I wouldn't even look at me if I was 'em. I hate it when I watch their eyes sweep over me and not even caring if I'm there. I see it most of the time. I mean, I saw 'em look at me and without hesitating, just go and look for others. Yup, I see it all the time. I mean, I do observe people, right.

I'm that selfish.

I feel so left out with 'em sometimes. I don't tell 'em. I don't know. Whenever I've friendship problems, I don't tell anyone. I mean, what for? You're just creating troubles and being sensitive and paranoid. That's me.

I feel like I'm the extra one there, the one that none of 'em actually trusts. I tend to be quieter when I realised I'm not gna fit in. I don't know.. I like to just push people away so I won't get hurt. And that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm afraid. Yup, I'm that selfish. I'm scare of getting hurt so I'm pushing everyone else away from me when they try to get closer. I'm that kind of person who overanalyse what you said and sometimes get hidden meanings which I might have made up myself. Yes, I'm that sensitive. I can look at you and think you're talking bout me. Cause I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I'm scare to let people in already. People leaves. They will, eventually.

I'm even more surprised when you stay.

Sometimes when I think of suicide, I don't even care if people cry. They would cry, they would miss me. But it would be just for a while. Soon, I'd be forgotten and replaced. Cause I'm this worthless. Yes, I think like that. People shout, vent anger on me cause I'm worthless and pathetic.

I honestly don't know why am I even living. I mean, life? Comeon. It just tortures you to see how far you can get. Everyone is addicted to something that takes away the pain. Be it cutting, crying, praying, drinking. Everyone is.

I tend to tear and cry easily. Because I think too much. But the reason why I even stopped crying was because I resorted to something else.

I used to be able to handle stress without cutting. But I no longer can.. When I stopped cutting, I'd start crying over the goddamn smallest things. I can't tell this to anyone, cause they'd don't fucking understand.

'You shouldn't have done it in the first place.' 'Stop la. Cut for what?'

Have you ever been in so much pain you had to resort to cutting? Do you know how much pain you must be in under to cut? I don't cut freely and whenever I want. I must be in that much of pain to cut. And trust me, you've to be in so much pain to cut. The pain and the numbness will be so so overwhelming that you've to cut.

Then you'd look into the mirror, scolding yourself names. For being so pathetic and all.

You don't understand, so don't come and bullshit me with all those you can stop things.

I can stop for quite some time. But that feeling you get from cutting, that relived feeling, I can't hide from it. I'm just a fucking freak. And no one understands that. You've to be in the same pain as I am to even experience it.

Why force someone who's so unhappy to stay? If dying isn't wrong, why is suicide wrong?