Zhikai called me like 2 days ago asking if I still miss Andy. He remembers me. I thought he has forgotten bout me a long time ago but he still remembers me.

His birthday's coming soon. I can remember it. I forgot bout him totally till Zhikai called. They still have my number. It's been more than a year since 19Aug. And it'll soon be a year since we last saw each other.

Everytime I go SengKang, I'd be afraid to see him. Idk.

Really, the first & last time everyone fall in love with should be with the person they are meant to be with forever.

'you still miss Andy mah?'

'Yea?'

'What? Must let go, later you get depression.'

'fuck you.'

'no really.'

Haha. Cool.

I'm suppose to like no one. I'm suppose to. End up? Falling for someone again.

'Tell me if you fall for him. I'll pull him away from you.'

'why?'

'You've alr been hurt once, do you enjoy being hurt? You've alr felt the pain of having a crush, do you want to feel the pain again?'

You don't understand the constant battles I keep trying to win.

How did I turn out this way? I remember being so so happy. But life's cruel, fate's cruel. Life's only created to test all of us to see who's stronger and who's weaker. Who'll lost their sanity.

Voices, they are real. Those soft sounds you hear when you're at a completely quiet place. Everyone says its your imagination but no. If you hear closely, you'd hear the whispers. Of the past, present & future. But no voice is without a body. And when you start noticing 'em, they start noticing you.

I'm crazy aren't I. Sometimes I really think so. Like why do I even exist. I mean, look at me.

I deserve every fucking cuts I've given myself. I deserve all of this. I must have been sucha terrible person.

I don't understand why people fall for others. I don't understand why I'd fall for anyone. No one would love a girl who self harm. No one would ever love me. I'm too crazy for anyone to even consider me

I'm afraid I'd fall for you. I'm so afraid. Cause feelings is here to test you, to jur you whenever it gets a chance, to lead you on.

Got 17 for maths. Fucking 17 over 20.

I'm so useless and pathetic. I mean, after practicing for so damn long, I still can get 17. Lack of fucking 3 marks

Chinese? Lol. 23.5. Oral? Fail alr please. I'd wait for Chinese's marks to come back to see how many I've to cut.

Gna cut 3 times for maths. I fucking deserve it. I'm just so dumb. As always. No matter how much I study, still can fail (Y)

The voices are coming back. They are singing to me. Why can't everyone hear it but me? It's singing so loudly asking me to cut & die & starve yet no fucking one can hear it except me. How long has this been going on alr?

They say I got depression and anorexia. And that fucked up disease which allows me to hallucinate. Cool.

Those voices are real. You just have to hear carefully. Have to hear properly and you'd hear 'me singing to you.

Let's watch as she slowly fades away, as she slowly does.

Why am I so scare to lose you?

Cause you remind me of him. You're just like him to me. If I ever lose you, I'd treat it as losing him three times. Yes, I lost him twice..

But why am I jealous why other girls talk to you? I shouldn't be. I shouldn't even care. But I feel jealous.. And I can't help that feeling.

But I can't fall for you, I can't. It'll be like torture all over again. Cause feelings? It brings hurt to people only.

That's what happened to me during Chinese class. Those fucking voices were singing to me, laughing at my pathetic-ness. I had to silence those voices. I ate 10 panadols. 10. Hope I'd die.

I had rashes and vomited. Well... :/ I didn't eat anything the whole day except for this small bun. My stomach feels so fucking uncomfortable.

They say the blood of the lives of people who cut is only worth a single rose. Let's see okay? Someone shoot me and we'll watch the blood flow.

Hate myself for being so damn fucking bad at sports. I mean, why can't I be like Isabel or Shanya or YiJuin. Why do I've to be this pathetic weak me. Shouldn't have quit track and field. But even then, I gave up on myself. The coach's forever saying I can't run properly. Always almost falling, slowing my entire time. Coach's always disappointed in me. Everyone's always disappointed in me. Why.

I let my stamina drop like some idiot. Gna train now. Gna run everyday. Idw to be this pathetic and weak anymore. But I hate running. I really do.

PE was really fun on Wednesday. Perhaps cause YiJuin & Isabel wasn't here. They are the better ones, so they tend to like, take the ball all for 'emselves. I can't blame 'em though. They're very competitive. I mean, they come from a sports cca. Of course they are. Plus, they are team mates. They will go to each other during sports.

But I really like it when they aren't here for PE on Wednesdays. Not that I hate 'em or anything but.. It's just that I've a chance to play, others have a chance to play too. Plus, on last Wednesday, Rachel and Shanya was stuck in the zone. So, there just left me, Dyah, Kristy and Kymberly. I actually played so much. I missed the times when I actually participate. I miss it.

But when YiJuin & Isabel's here.. They tend to think I'd not play. It's true though. I don't play when they're here. Cause I think I'm not good enough and they should be the only ones playing. I mean, it's like, I'm not good at anything right.. So of course they wouldn't pass the ball to me. It's just that with the others, I'm actually better than some of 'em. And it gave me an advantage.

I don't know.. I enjoyed my last PE. It was really fun. Guess it'll be my last time participating.

Cause it's girls & girls, it's fun. With guys.. I just tend to walk away. Just like with YiJuin 'em. I'm not good enough. Plus, they wouldn't even bother with me. I mean, they'd just throw amongst 'emselves too, right? So, what for have me? Maybe I'd just totally skip PE next week.. I mean, idw to just walk around as usual.. Plus, YiJuin & Isabel will be throwing the ball at each other right.

I almost told YiJuin this today. Shall not.. Idw 'em to think I'm selfish and all. I am.. I can't help it. But well, I'm just gna skip PE. There's no difference if I'm there or not with 'em there. Honestly? There's no difference if anyone else is there if there's YiJuin, Isabel, Shanya & Rachel.

Shanya knows.. I want to play. I mean, I do.. Rachel knows it too, I think. They keep trying to get me involved in the games. Haha. I can't blame YiJuin & Isabel though, with the attitude I give during PE. Well, I wouldn't even look at me if I was 'em. I hate it when I watch their eyes sweep over me and not even caring if I'm there. I see it most of the time. I mean, I saw 'em look at me and without hesitating, just go and look for others. Yup, I see it all the time. I mean, I do observe people, right.

I'm that selfish.

I feel so left out with 'em sometimes. I don't tell 'em. I don't know. Whenever I've friendship problems, I don't tell anyone. I mean, what for? You're just creating troubles and being sensitive and paranoid. That's me.

I feel like I'm the extra one there, the one that none of 'em actually trusts. I tend to be quieter when I realised I'm not gna fit in. I don't know.. I like to just push people away so I won't get hurt. And that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm afraid. Yup, I'm that selfish. I'm scare of getting hurt so I'm pushing everyone else away from me when they try to get closer. I'm that kind of person who overanalyse what you said and sometimes get hidden meanings which I might have made up myself. Yes, I'm that sensitive. I can look at you and think you're talking bout me. Cause I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I'm scare to let people in already. People leaves. They will, eventually.

I'm even more surprised when you stay.

Sometimes when I think of suicide, I don't even care if people cry. They would cry, they would miss me. But it would be just for a while. Soon, I'd be forgotten and replaced. Cause I'm this worthless. Yes, I think like that. People shout, vent anger on me cause I'm worthless and pathetic.

I honestly don't know why am I even living. I mean, life? Comeon. It just tortures you to see how far you can get. Everyone is addicted to something that takes away the pain. Be it cutting, crying, praying, drinking. Everyone is.

I tend to tear and cry easily. Because I think too much. But the reason why I even stopped crying was because I resorted to something else.

I used to be able to handle stress without cutting. But I no longer can.. When I stopped cutting, I'd start crying over the goddamn smallest things. I can't tell this to anyone, cause they'd don't fucking understand.

'You shouldn't have done it in the first place.' 'Stop la. Cut for what?'

Have you ever been in so much pain you had to resort to cutting? Do you know how much pain you must be in under to cut? I don't cut freely and whenever I want. I must be in that much of pain to cut. And trust me, you've to be in so much pain to cut. The pain and the numbness will be so so overwhelming that you've to cut.

Then you'd look into the mirror, scolding yourself names. For being so pathetic and all.

You don't understand, so don't come and bullshit me with all those you can stop things.

I can stop for quite some time. But that feeling you get from cutting, that relived feeling, I can't hide from it. I'm just a fucking freak. And no one understands that. You've to be in the same pain as I am to even experience it.

Why force someone who's so unhappy to stay? If dying isn't wrong, why is suicide wrong?

At Daniella's house.

Everyone thinks I'd fall for ChongXiang, idk why. Not interested in anyone currently and no one seems to believe me.

Trying to learn Malay from Syed. He's gna teach me. Hehe

'If you could say something to your crush right now, what would it be?'
I would tell him to give me one chance to let me prove how much ilovehim.

Is it funny for you to play with other's feelings? Please fucking spare a thought for her. It isn't worth it. You should fuck off. Really. You're the worse bitch in this world.

I hate it when people makes fun of people having eating disorder. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? She's struggling to even eat. And she might even die from it and there you're making fun of her. How screwed up are you?

Am I this untrustable?

I hate it, I hate feeling worthless. I hate feeling so pathetic. I hate it.

I allowed myself to get hurt again. I allowed myself to fall deeper. From today, I'll never like anyone. I'll force all feelings I get to go away. I'd rather have no feelings than to allow myself to get hurt again. I'm this selfish, yes. I don't want to feel the hurt again. Idw to cry anymore.

Why can't the first time the only time we fall in love is with the person we're meant to be with forever. Why?

Cause if being dead means you'll be happy, I wouldn't mind dying. Happiness is all I want. Nothing else.