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And you pray everyday for the pain to go away but it never did ♥


Saturday, July 21, 2012

Used to be able to handle stress without having to use a blade

I cry so easily these days cause I haven't been cutting in like what, days? I was like super snappy and fucked up cause I totally couldn't take the stress without cutting.

Chinese teacher gave up on me. Cause I was too freaking stressed and fucked up that I started giving attitude. As usual.

Then after that, since I'm not meeting Trevor, I went to do it. Hurt myself again.

Really, no one should ever start cutting. Never. No matter what fucking reason. Look what it done to me.. I can't fucking handle even one week without it. I'll start crying for no reason, start pms-ing.

I'm gna start to do it again.. I never wna cry in class again.

People will start giving up on me

I hate it when I see someone I used to be so close to. We used to talk every fucking day, go out every week. But now I can't even look at you in your goddamn eyes.

I mean, seriously. I miss those people whom I lost. But it's sad, they don't even care.

You're never gna understand how I feel.

My cuts are getting deeper. The longer I stop, then start again, it become worse. I just made another scar.

My cuts takes really long to recover cause I only cut at one part of my body and it keep getting cut.

The A's still there. I can still faintly see it. You've to focus to see it.

A? It reminds me all the time of the time when I started cutting.

It slowly become worse and now I'm addicted. I can't help it. I wonder if there'll be a day where I cut so deep till I need to have stitches.

The unexpected always come true.

They say they wouldn't leave
But they still did


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I felt like ranting to you but I forgot you don't care. (:

I felt like I lost so many things. I should have been fucking brave enough to die last year.. Maybe then, all this wouldn't have happened.

Everyone would have just forgotten me, I would be replaced. Isn't that true?

Wrote a suicide letter. If I'm dead, go find it in my file, okay? Or my dad's computer. It's called letter in My Received Files

Love all of you.

They say they wouldn't leave
But they still did


Monday, July 16, 2012

How you'd know if I'm okay?

You don't. You assume.

I hate feeling like i'm doing something so wrong. I should get used to this feeling cause I'm always doing something wrong. Why am I even shocked?

I'm so sorry, Syed. I can't take this anymore. When they start talking bout you, I don't know what to do but agree. Cause they're so true. But now, I'm done acting in front of you. I'll just say it in your face.

I always end up losing people who used to be so so close to me.

Yiling, Rachel, Yongmei, Junie, Darelle, Wayne, Wengkit, Syed. How many fucking more?

Please don't let me lose my close friends now. Pleasepleaseplease. Idw to lose any of 'em.

'Do what makes you happy. What's the point if you aren't happy?'

No, doesn't mean you're happy means you're doing the right thing. It just means, you're doing it your way.



They say they wouldn't leave
But they still did


Tuesday, July 10, 2012




Phone spoiled in school today. Can't really text.

But it's not like I need it anyway, right? I mean, I text like only a guy. Okay, no, but still, I only care bout texting 1 person.

Every night, I would scroll up & read our messages of the day. But I won't be doing it today. Not cause I'm using a temp phone but cause we hardly even text today.

I don't know. We hardly even talk anymore. The thought of you leaving me scares me so much I can cry just thinking of it.

Yknow.. I should just push everyone away. I'm so fucking afraid they would leave me. & I would be left there alone. Like really really afraid...

So many people left me. What if all those people I love starts leaving me again? & I've to go through the same fucked up thing again?

Why is it that people can leave so easily? Despite all the promises & memories. Is it that easy to do it? Am I this worthless? That you can leave me so easily.

They say they wouldn't leave
But they still did


Friday, July 6, 2012

Having a bbq party at EastCoastPark on Sunday.

'Is it okay to be jealous of your good friend?'
'No.'

Yes. I'm a horrible, fucked up friend. Yes I know.

Everytime I find myself hating you, I hate myself even more. Hating myself for being sucha horrible fucked up friend.

Yknow, I should really have no friends at all. I'm like sucha fucked up friend.

'I feel left out. Everyone has someone except me.'
'Look, I'm done listening to all of your fucked up problems.'
'I'm sorry...'
'K.'

Am I this annoying? Yea I guess so.... I won't tell anyone my problems any fucking more. I've to stop annoying people with my fucked up problems. I'm sorry.....

'Hi. I feel like we're drifting away. And idw to see us become strangers eventually.'
'What's the point?'
'What do you mean?'
'We can't be friends forever. People leave, people drift. Maybe it's our time.'

Maybe, my dear... If so, I just want to tell you I'm glad I met you. I'm glad we become friends. I'm glad we've so many memories. You'll always be in my memories. I'll never forget you. & I'll always be here for you if you need me. Even if you walk away, I'll still be here. I promise. Iloveyou.

Goodbye, my dear. Have a good life.











They say they wouldn't leave
But they still did


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

What if everyone is dead & you're just mentally crazy & everyone around you is just your imagination?

'I know how you feel, babygirl. I do.'
No, my dear. You don't. No matter how similar a situation is, no one ever knows how someone else feels.

'Don't judge.'
My dear, please say that to yourself.

'You'll be alright. I promise you.'
Really? Yea, my addiction just started again.

I'm just trying to hold on.

'Is it fun?'
'What?'
'Acting like you like me one day and acting like you hate me the next.'


It's funny how we always tell someone we love 'em so much that no one can ever replace 'em when that's exactly what everyone does. Funny how we tell someone we'll never leave when that's exactly what we did.

I doubt anyone has the rights to lecture anyone not to leave 'em, not to replace anyone. Cause everyone has left someone, everyone has walked away from someone.

Seriously, life's too overrated. What's with people saying we should treasure our lives when there're others who're dying? People dies, everyone do. So, it's their time. It's not mine, I'm just wishing for it to be mine.

Cherish our lives? Just tell me what we do all our lives? Since young, everyone has backstabbed, badmouthed, betrayed. And this cycle will never stop.

People are hypocrites. That's a fucking fact. No one do things for nothing. They'll want something back. Don't tell me bout love. You're doing it cause you're hoping she'll notice you & then fall for you. Isn't it?

People are selfish. That's in our nature. We'll want things we can't have. After we can things we want, we throw 'em away & want another. People not only do this to things, but people too.

How many people can be trusted? How many people will not say out your secrets? You think someone can be trusted, but others might not think so. It's your risk to take.

'You can trust me'
How many people said this but ended up proving they can't be trusted

'Cause two can keep a secret if one of 'em is dead.'

'How's your day? (;'
'Sucked.'
'Why? ):'
'Didn't got to see you'

Hey baby, I think I wna marry you. (;

They say they wouldn't leave
But they still did


Cheryl Baby'Piglet ♥

Don't underestimate the amount of pain someone must be in to drag a blade across their skin
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal
Love leaves a memory no one can steal

13March2013