'What's trust? I don't know it.'
I didn't. I lie practically half of my life. To my parents, to my friends, even to myself. My past, I've never told anyone. Cause I was afraid, afraid people'd look down on me.
I remember my very own friends teasing other people, looking down on 'em. I tried to be perfect. I've to lied bout it. Idw to end up like 'em, I want to continue being one of the popular girls in school. Idw to be looked down at.
Then at p6, I got tired of it. Tired of acting perfect all the time, tired of bullying, tired of everything. I'm tired of being one of the popular girls, I'm tired of lying. But I couldn't leave. I can't just let what I build up for years fall apart. So, I continued.
Then I go into secondary school. I met 'em, the clique. We eventually become the most popular sec1s. I hated it. I wanted to be out of the attention. Idw to be like my p6 self. But I still couldn't tear myself away from it.
Sec 2 came, I drifted, I walked away, I start keeping secrets. Cause I realise, trusting people isn't this easy anymore. You'd never even know if your secrets are being told. How would you?
People started hating me since I was p4. I didn't understood it though. I thought they were just joking. But now I do. People who dislikes me tell me straight in my face & walk away from me. But now? They lie straight in my face.
How do we even know who's fake & who's real? We don't. We just have to trust ourselves & how much we actually know this person.
But soon, I realise, people hide the ugly truth from you. They hide their personality, they hide 'emselves. & so, I stopped trusting. I couldn't bring myself to trust anyone anymore. This world's just too scary.
Trusting someone means a lot to me. It means that person is important to me. & for me, I tend to tell the person everything.
I do trust some people. Of course. But I don't tell 'em everything entirely. Clearly cause they didn't asked or I'm afraid they'd hate me after knowing me.
But I trust someone now. Someone I've never expected I'd trust. I trust him with my past. I told him so many things. Now, I've to be afraid I'd lose him. I know I've always be selfish, but this time, I was really selfish.
I refuse to stop texting him cause I'm afraid we'd end up like Wayne & me.
I still miss Wayne... A lot. I've never stop. Maybe that friendship wasn't meant to be. At least I've memories.
I trusted Wayne. But not that much. I was afraid he'd left. & he did. Like how everyone else would.
How we'd know if someone's gna leave us or not? How we'd even know? I honestly don't know. Do we trust ourselves? Do we trust our feelings?
People leave unexpectedly. I've never expected Wayne to leave or the clique. But look, they did.
Cause sometimes, life takes away the things we treasure most.
Have you ever love someone? Like you completely don't understand why. But you do.
& you clearly know the person don't feel the same way. You know that. But you still love him/her. Cause you can't help it
Whenever he smile, whenever he laugh, whenever he look at you, whenever he teases you, whenever he flirts, whenever he shout, whenever we play, whenever he run.
It affects you, doesn't it? But you can't say it. Cause you're so so afraid of losing him, of losing this friendship. Cause so many people you love have left you. & you're afraid he's gna be next.
It really sucks when you keep trying to hide your feelings but when he's right in front of you, you just wna kiss him. It sucks when he smiles/laughs & you wish again&again the reason's you. It sucks when he flirts but you've no rights to interfere cause he isn't your's.
You wish again&again you're a couple. You daydream bout it. You make up scenes. You live in your own make up world. But when reality comes knocking, you breakdown. Cause whatever you've just daydreamed bout will never ever come true.
You can't help but think it's so right. You can't help but think that's what suppose to happen. But it isn't. Cause love's fucked up.
You dream of holding hands, watching movies, having meals, going on walks, kissing, hugging, sweet texts, surprises & all sorts of couple stuff. But we all know it's just a fantasy.
Love? Screw it.
