I honestly don't know what to blog any fucking more.
I can't blog anymore cause of the people who view this.
Whenever I try to open myself up, there'll always be a fucking reason why I should not. & from now on, I'm never gna fucking tell anyone anything. I'm fucking done, okay. I give up. I give up trusting anyone.
'I cut.'
'Then stop. You think fun huh?'
If I fucking can, do you think I would still be cutting now. Fuckno. Do you think I enjoy being depressed? Do you think I like crying? & lastly, do you think I like pain? No. Fuckinghellno. But look, you don't know how this feels. You don't know how addictive this is. I tried explaining over&over again. But wait, who fucking gives a fuck? No one.
Don't fucking talk to me like I'm purposely making myself depressed. Don't tell me I'm cutting myself of attention. Don't tell me this is fucking self pity. I can't go like 'I'm a happy girl :D'. Cause trust me, I tried.
'I eat one meal a day'
'For what? You aren't even fat.'
No. I am fat. I don't enjoy looking at myself count calories, okay. I don't enjoy counting my bmi every fucking day. I don't enjoy starving. But you don't uds. I'm too fat.
Ate one donut, a few popcorn & a walnut cake for the whole day. This is alr a lot to me. I know it sounds stupid. But when someone offers me food, I go 'no... I can't. I ate a lot yesterday. I've to starve'. & trust me, starving isn't nice though I never get gastric.
Cause I think I'm completely worthless.
'She's fat. She's ugly. She's stupid'
Go on. Scold more. But trust me, I've scolded myself every possible names. I don't know why I become this. But I've.
'My dear girl, no one's gna ever love you. I mean, look at you'
Yes. I say that to myself. Who would love a girl full of cuts, scars & negative thoughts? No one. I hate myself. If I was happier, maybe people would have love me, maybe people wouldn't leave me.
'Look at yourself. Look at all the fat. Look at that ugly face. Failure.'
I insult myself much much worse than anyone could have ever done so. Cause I hate myself. It's okay for anyone to hate me cause I hate myself. I can understand why would anyone hate me.
'Selfish you. Always wanting to be her center of attention. Always wanting her to be your's alone. How selfish can you get, bitch?'
Yes. I want to be her center of attention. I want her attention to always be on me alone. I want her to be mine. I want her to only care for me. I want to feel like how I used to. But it's no longer possible. The past's gone & I'm a part of it.
'She's gna replace you. To everyone, she's gna replace you. Yknow why? Cause you're so so worthless no one cares.'
Yes.. & I've seen proof of it again&again. This kinda comforts me. When I'm gone, no one would miss me, no one would care. Cause there's her. Right? So I can always say goodbye. & I so badly want to do this now. The window's just there, the knife's just there, there's even a rope & a hook. So many options.
Save me, I'm destroying myself.
So you think you know me?
No my dear. You don't. Not at all. Have you ever want to die so badly? Have you ever been depressed? & by depressed, I don't mean a day of sadness, I mean days of completely sorrowevery fucking day. Do you know what life is like to me? A complete nightmare.
If someone points a fucking gun at me, I wouldn't beg for my life. In fact, I would beg for him/her to shoot, to take my life away.
Everyone will leave me like I'm meant to be left.
God, I know You do this for a reason. I know You'll save me eventually. But please Lord, You can take me away. I honestly don't know what I can do for You. I don't know if I'm good enough. Lord, please give me the strength to get through yet another day. Lord, please help me stay strong. Lord, please help me get through depression. Lord, please save me. Amen.
