Rachel texted me ytd. To ask me to cheer up. I told her okay. I lied. The truth is, I can never cheer up. I don't know. I'm always thinking.
This is a moody post. Skip it.
'Selfharm isn't bout how deep the cuts are, how many there are, where you cut yourself, how badly they scar, if someone has more cuts than you, cut deeper than you. It's not a mother fucking competition. It's bout the pain, the suffering, being trapped in your own fucking mind with completely no way put. It's being so desperate, so depressed that you've to result to a physical pain to let out the psychological pain.'
Found this somewhere. It's true.
Selfharm isn't bout attention. It isn't attention seeking. Selfharm doesn't says 'I need YOUR attention. I'm seeking attention' It fucking doesn't. People who says that have their lives perfect. Always had someone to talk to. Never felt that much pain to put that blade onto their skin. Who have never been scared of 'emseleves. They fucking don't uds. Attention seeking? Making fun of 'em? The next day, you see 'em full of cuts.
Is your joke still funny, my dear?
You can't tell me, you uds how it feels. If you've never been scared at yourself, screamed for the urge to go away, been alone trying to resist the urge of cutting then well, you don't. You don't fucking know how it feels.
Once you cut, once it becomes an addiction. It's forever there. I may have stopped. But when something goes wrong, the first thought that comes to my mind is 'cut, dear. All the pain will go away. Cut. You'll feel better' Yes. It tells me that. I haven't cut in 2 months. Yea. Cause there's nothing bad that happened. But I alr know, sooner or later the cutting addiction will come back.
Cried so hard till you can't breathe properly, lose all your energy in one sec & fall to the ground, look at the penknife & resisting the urge to cut. Felt it before? No. And they judge like they know. They think it's funny to cut. How funny is it? Really? I didn't know a person who selfharm is someone who others should make fun of.
They all claim I no life to starve myself. But do they know why? Why I'm so insecure. It's cause of 'em. I'm fat. I squeeze my fats into that skirt. Yea. So I should starve myself till I'm skinny enough.
Cutting. It's funny to 'em too. Is it really that funny? Do they wna try? To be afraid of yourself. Do they? It's scary. You no longer scared of the noises in your home cause you hope they get you. You aren't scared of dying anymore. Do you know how it feels? To feel like a freak, a monster. No.. You don't. It aren't funny.
I'll never be good enough. For anyone. I'm just worthless. Yes, Junie, Yongmei, Yiling, I know that. Better than you. I'm aware of my flaws. I see 'em everyday. Just stop, okay? For once. Your words are slowly creeping into me & destroying me. It's tiring. To be strong alr. Do you guys understand? How it feels? To be slipping into this nightmare? No... You guys are too lucky. Too happy. Don't complain. At least, you aren't addicted. To cutting. To think of it everytime something goes wrong. It aren't funny.
'Did you know that bullying victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims? Did you know at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying? Did you know 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying? Did you know that gay and lesbian teens are two to three times more likely to commit teen suicide than other youths? Did you know that 2/3 of people suffering from depression don’t seek treatment? Did you know that untreated depression is the number ONE cause of suicide?
Do you even THINK before you hide behind your computer and hit send, what kind of damage you’re doing? Do you think about it when you laugh at the kid that’s getting bullied instead of helping them? Do you think about the fact that you have the power to change someones life for better or worse? Do you think about the families that will be left behind to grieve and blame themselves?
I’m tired of seeing this. I’m tired of the hate. I’m tired of people judging each other. I’m tired of racism. I’m tired of homophobia. I’m tired of weight and sexual discrimination. STOP. Just stop. You don’t know someone elses life, you don’t know if you’re going to be the last one to push them to the edge. You don’t know if you will cause them to have an eating disorder, cut, or kill themselves. Don’t make someone feel worthless. Stop complaining about society, you are society. Instead DOsomething about it. Use your voice forGOOD. If you want to bully someone on anon, do it to me, I can take it. But please just stop and think before you hit send, because that one action, those words you say, they matter. If you took out one part of your life, something someone said to you, something someone did, I GUARANTEE you would end up on a different path than the one you’re on right now. Just one thing.
Please, don’t let it get to the point to where someone has to shoot up a school, starve themselves, purge, cut, or kill themselves. Don’t let someone feel useless, alone, or ugly.EVERYONE is beautiful, the beauty you might not see, someone else will. But you have NO RIGHT to tell someone that they should cut, or starve themselves, or kill themselves, you really don’t. These lives lost are not meaningless, don’t ignore what is going around you. Take a look around. We’re all walking around with secrets, things no one knows, we all hide behind a mask, whether we want to or not, and that is who people see, not YOU. You may think you know someone, but you don’t know their thoughts before they go to sleep, you don’t know what they do when they are alone. You get ONE life. Leave behind something people will want to remember.
And for anyone feeling alone right now, or to anyone that’s being bullied right now, or wants to cut, or needs anything at all. Talk to me. I am here for you, and I always will be here for you. Reach out to someone if you want to die, because you will see that they care, I know that’s why I’m here right now. Please stay strong, face another day. It gets better.'