Thatonegirl♥

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Nothing much. Just gna post pics. Too tired to write anything. Really really tired.

Life or death?

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Really moody today.

Felt really worthless.

The moment when you found out you can no longer trust anyone.

'You're doing it on purpose.'

'Doing what?'

'Purposely making me feel worthless.'

You don't know how it feels, to feel like you're completely worthless. Like no one needs you. Like no one cares. You really don't.

Have you ever felt like no one needs you? No one cares? Even if you die. No one would care. I understand that.

I know pain, I understand it.

Andy, I dreamt of you today... I woke up, still with the images in my head. For the first time in many nights, I've no nightmares. I dreamt of you. I dreamt of us being together again.

It hurt so badly when I woke up. I could still feel your lips & tongue. I could still feel your hands. I could still hear your laughter. I could still see your smile.

That remind me of how much I actually miss you. How much I actually hid from the reality I'll never be over you.

I really really miss you.... You said, if we grow up, if we're meant to be, we'll be together? Idon'tknow, Andy... I'm so sorry I fell for someone else. I really am...

I hope you understand:)

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Just woke up.

Waiting for Daniella's text the entire day. She haven't got home? I hope she's safe.

I think my dad saw my cuts cause he send me a text in the morning telling me he love me & I can tell him anything.

I'm sorry, daddy. I don't know how to tell anyone anything at all. I'm so sorry. I really am....

Why do I exist? I don't understand why.

I hate twitter. As in really.

I think twitter destroys life. I mean, how many quarrels start from twitter? How many cyberbully start from twitter?

For me, many.

I don't know. A lot of my cuts come from twitter. A lot of tears also come from twitter. It's never Facebook or something.

The reason why I stop going to twitter completely is 'cuz people just keep judging & they won't fucking stop. Not even once. I don't know why.

I guess that's life? People judge even before they know you. & those who know you? They leave you like you're nothing at all. They make you feel worthless. I wonder, if they actually benefit from that. I really wonder if people pay 'em money to do so.

People leave me like I'm completely worthless, people treat me like a toy, I get replaced like it's my job.

I honestly don't understand how you can be so close to someone & yet become strangersovernight. It's scary how fast people can leave you & change.

It's really sad they don't care. It's sad to watch 'em walk away. It's sad to see 'em throw away the memories so easily.

So many people left me, I act like I'm perfectly fine. But I'm not. I'm constantly struggling with the fact they are gone. I'm constantly struggling with the tears.

I don't understand why people leave so goddamn easily. How many people left? How many? 8? 9? I finally realise how many friends I actually have. I finally realise how much I mean to people.

All these memories, they actually flood my mind most of the time. It scares me. I'm afraid other people would leave me so easily.

Say it, say you hate me, say I'm worthless, say I'm fucked up, say I'm completely nothing.

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Monday, May 28, 2012

Was really moody yesterday..

I wanted to blog again but then somethings, I can't type it.

Was really really numb yesterday, as in really. I couldn't think at all. Mad crazy.

Maybe, I'm not meant to be here.

Thought of suicide again.

If I die, Shanya don't have to worry bout Yiling getting angry with her. Right? So, 1.

Wengkit 'em insults would just end there, I won't be able to hear anything. So, 2.

Daniella 'em would cry.. So, minus 1.

No more quarrels with mum or anything. So, 2 again.

Anyway, even if I die, the sun would still be up, the moon would still be up, people would still live. So, what's the point?

I've never lost my obsession over death.

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Don't exactly know what to blog.

All my mind thinks of are the insults being shouted at me.

Two faced slut.

Yongmei & Wengkit & others were shouting it. Wengkit was even asking 'em to shout louder, cause I looked like I couldn't hear it. Really?

If you guys wanted me to breakdown, or cut, you've won, okay? I give you credit now. You've succeeded.

Are you happy that you've brought her down?

I don't know... I've always thought that maybe our friendship means a least something to you. But nope, it doesn't mean a fuck to any of you.

You guys should have told me earlier. Before I kept on holding onto the friendship. You guys should have told me. That I don't mean a fuck to any of you.

Remember Andy? I remember the few months going through the breakup. Suicide has never left my mind. Well, I stayed strong cause I couldn't bear to leave you guys. That's why you guys meant so much to me.

Well, looks like I should have died a long time ago.

If I've died a long time ago, honestly? No one would be affected.

But I wouldn't have met people who actually cares bout me. & now, when I think of suicide, I can't do it. Cause I don't want to see those people crying over me. I can't wipe their tears away. I don't want that to happen..

If I want to die, I'd just disappear. So no one would find my body & have to deal with the fact that I'm gone. Maybe, they still think I'm there, helping 'em secretly.

The only thing keeping me alive is you & 'em.

To be honest, I'm only living for a few people. It's not for myself.

I really really wna volunteer at spca. Hahaha. I don't know.. I think it might actually make me happy. Maybe?

I just wanted an escape, death.

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Saturday, May 26, 2012

It's amazing how one person can just make your entire day.

I honestly wonder if you know how much you mean to me. it's like my I can be crying but if you come & try to cheer me up, I'd be laughing alr. It's how much you mean to me. Do you know?

Daniella's away on holidays, I wonder if she's still reading my blog. Hahaha. I wonder if the hotel has wifi.

It's funny how people can mean so much to you & they never know how much.

There are so little people who means so much to me. That I never wna lose. I wonder if any of 'em know..

I never knew the feeling of getting bullied, till now.

I always thought it was silly to cut. I never thought words could mean so much to someone. I never thought people could be hurt over words.

I used to look at people's cuts & think 'Why cut? Not pain meh? Why let other people words get to you?' Which is what people are telling me now. But then, I finally understand.

Why cut? Cause I need the physical pain to distract me from the mental pain. To me, it's like the blood makes me think of the problems slowly slipping away. It isn't true, but yea. When I cut, I can't cry. I don't know. I can't. So, it helps my tears too. Although everyone says it's not good to cut, but in the process, I can't think. I don't know. All I think of is cutting, the sting. So, I won't think of the problems.

Not pain? Yup, it isn't. For me, I've improved. I only cut a few times these days when I used to spam? Hahaha. So yea, I kinda improve. But when I spam, it wasn't pain at all. I don't know. I was really numb. I felt numb. Hahaha. I think it's just that after that, the cuts are kinda itchy & nothing more.

Why care? Cause I do. I mean, can you deny you don't care if someone calls you slut? Can you not care? No. I mean, every perfectly normal human will mind, will let it affect you. Moreover, they wasn't making it secret. They were shouting. They were saying it just to see you hurt, just to see you cry. Would you not care?

I can see it in your eyes, you're hurt.

I wonder if it makes you happy to see someone harm herself over what you've said. I honestly think so. You think your joke is so funny. I wonder if it'll still be funny if you've seen that person crying & self harming herself.

You think you're so pretty, so popular. But even so, I think you've no fucking rights to call anyone names. I doubt you know what you're doing to that person. I honestly wonder if it'll even haunts you that you're the source of someone's cuts/death.

You might think those words are funny at that point of a time. But please, is it funny if you're that person? I wonder what you've done if you're the person. Would you've done worse? Would you be stronger?

For someone who's alr struggling with suicide fantasies, you've to rub it in huh? You really had to. You aren't able to see how much your fucking words hurt someone. Have you ever wonder if you'd be the source of someone's death?

You would say, 'I didn't mean it to be this way'. Look, I know you didn't mean it. I know you didn't thought it'd be that serious, but it is. Have you seen her tears? Her cuts? She's dying. She's fucking struggling.

I honestly think that everyone has the ability to make someone break. But I think everyone has the ability to stop the person from breaking down. I think everyone the person knows play a part in whether she'd choose death or life.

It's sad how everyone don't know that, esp those who called her names. It's sad how they never tried to help her not choose death. It's sad they always try to pull her down. It's really sad.

I hope it fucking haunts you that you're the reason of someone's cuts, scars or death.

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Friday, May 25, 2012

I wonder if it's funny to you guys, to see someone slip into depression yknow? It must be.

'Two faced slut, bitch, mind fucking bitch, slut'

Every name you've called me, a cut will be made.

Bottom 30%. I should just die, then I'd stop being sucha fucking failure.

Position 27? Oh. Okay. Cool.

I hate it. I hate feeling like this. Fuckmylife. I should just fuck off from this world.

I don't know. I'm dying. I feel like I'm drowning.. I can't breathe. I'm sorry, but one day, soon, I'll say goodbye to this world. I wonder when that day will come.

Maybe one day, I'd be in that much pain to take my life. I'm sorry.. When that day comes, I'll make everyone I love hates me. Then I'd be able to leave easily. Then they'd accept the fact I'm leaving better.

I've to cherish all my memories now..

I can't deny it, but I know you'd be the one who can save me.

Hahaha. I can imagine my death. I can.... When that day comes, will be the day I stop fighting this fucking war inside of me.

I'll be brave. I'll be strong. I'll not give up. I hope I can...

You guys wish I won't cut. But please, help me wish I'd have the strength to live on.

It's okay, I'll be okay. I'll be..

You must believe in yourself.

Things I want people to know if I ever die. Please, let 'em know if anything happens to me, okay? I'm gna write a letter to someone everyday. A different person. (:

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Don't you find it funny? The way some people can leave so easily. Even after all those memories. After all those times spend together. After all the pictures, outings, laughter, smiles, tears. Although they mean a lot to you, it doesn't seem like you mean a lot to 'em. & they just left you hanging there, like you can cope. Like, you're that strong to get through this. Like, you deserve it. Like you're completely worthless.

You can be completely close to someone for a day & the next, the person & you stop talking. & usually, this lasts for months or maybe forever. I'm sad, but what can I do? It's like I'm worthless, so I'm so easy to leave, so everyone leaves me so effortlessly. Is it that way? Am I really that worthless?

I don't understand how you can choose to trust someone completely & that person just blurt out everything you told 'em, as if it's their secrets. & you slowly fall apart as people start laughing at you, start saying stuff bout you. Yet you can't do anything but stay strong & smile like nothing went wrong.

You promise someone you'd be there for her/him, yet when she needs you the most, where are you? Outside, laughing, enjoying your fucking life. While she? She's at home, she's crying, she's scarring herself yet again.

How can someone be so determined to ruin someone else's life? Is it that fun? Are you happy now, Wengkit? Are you happy now that you brought yet another person down? Are you happy someone's cutting cause of what you did? Are you happy that someone's crying cause of what you did? I hope it fucking haunts you for life that you're the reason for someone's cuts/scars.

I don't understand why someone/people would want to hurt someone so badly till they cut, cry or starve. Seriously? Why is your happiness build on others' sadness? I don't understand how you can ever look into someone's eyes & not get haunted by the fact that person is scarred by you, forever.

Why would someone wna be two faced now? At this age. When you grow up, when you work, you've to be two faced. Why aren't you cherishing your youth instead?

How can you tell someone to not cut when you're the reason why she does it? You give me a reason to not cut, Wayne. Just fucking name me one. You can't. Cause you've hurt me so much. & I allow you to that cause I can't stop believing in you.

I don't understand why would someone wna be so mean to a person till they have depression. What? Having depression is now a joke? Are you fucking crazy? Do you even know what's depression? Yknow what's depression?

'Depression is like a tornado, there's nothing you can do but sit there & wait. Finally, the storm's over, you're left with the destruction ; the scars on your body, the puffy eyes from crying, the exhaustion fighting a losing battle. It's consuming.'

Don't tell me you know how it feels. Don't tell me that. Don't tell me it's my choice. Don't tell me I can do it. Don't tell me anything. If it's my choice, I'd stop. But it's not. I don't fucking choose to be this way, to be a freak. If I can do it, I'd be happy. Don't think I've never tried to be happy. You tell me to laugh it off. You make it sound like I'm someone who purposely cuts & be sad. I'm not a attention seeking whore.

Cause you've been hurt before, I can see it in your eyes. You try to hide it, but some things can't be disguised.

You know it'd hurt you, yet you allow it to happen. You watch yourself fall deeper without wanting to. You torture yourself with thoughts. You torture yourself with false hope. You torture yourself with daydreams.

'Hi. Iloveyou but you make me cry, hurt me & make me look stupid'

'So why are you still holding on?!'

'Cause I know I'll cry even more, hurting even more & feel dumber if I let you go'

Do you know what's scary, what's terrifying? You bottling all of these probs & bleeding 'em out. That's scary, that's terrifying.

I feel like an idiot, even if none of you will be there for me, even if you guys continue badmouthing me, I know I'd still be there for you if you guys ever need me. I know I can't allow myself to hate you guys. Cause if I do, I'd be hating on people I love, which I completely don't know how.

Isn't it funny? How people leave you, how people badmouth you, how people hate you yet you still don't hate 'em, you still would take 'em back if they ever need someone. It's like allowing yourself to get hurt again. It's like knowing there's a murderer behind those doors & yet walking through it.

Even if you're not there for me, I'll be here for you.

Have you realise how people care when it's too late? People are so weird. They can watch you cry, watch you cut & not do anything. People can say they hate you & badmouth you. But when the person can no longer take it anymore, they commit suicide.

What did you tell the whole world after that? You said : It's so sad, it's so sad I didn't helped her, I wish I could. It's sad how society bullies her to the extend of her taking her own life. I wish I had spend more time with her, I wish I had notice those silent cries for help. I wish society will stop being so judgmental. I hate society.

But who did this? Who badmouth? Who watch her breakdown but not do anything? Who's society? Don't go telling the whole world you wished you could help when you yourself played a part in her death. You hate society? Well, everyone says that. But not do anything. Aren't you society?

Why did you choose to care bout her now? It's fucking too late

'Go & kill yourself. Bitch. Slut. Whore. Attention seeker.'

What? I don't understand how someone can say this to another person & expect that person to be perfectly okay with this. Why don't you think that I'd might actually do it? So it'd make you happier if I die? It'd actually make you feel good? I don't understand how you can hate someone so much till you want 'em to take their lives. You don't even know me. You don't even know what I'm going through & you want me to take my life?

Seriously, before you ever said that, have you ever thought if you're that person who pushed me to the edge? The last person. Have you ever thought I'd might really do it? You might not kill me directly. But you played a part, you've blood on your hands, you're a fucking murderer.

How would you feel, if someone told your daughter or favourite niece or your best friend to go & die & they really did? How would you feel? Would you be happy? Or torn apart?

Think bout what you're saying.

'Are you addicted to cutting?'

'No.'

'Are you sure? Do you know what's an addiction? It's enjoying what you did. If you enjoyed, then it's an addiction & you can't quit it. It's like drugs'

You didn't hear me when I said cutting's nothing like drugs. It's a thousand times worse than drugs.

It wasn't a suicide attempt, it was an escape from reality. When we cut, we're in control, we make our own pain & we can stop anytime we want. Physical pain relieves the mental anguish. For a brief moment, the pain & the sting is the only thing on the cutter's mind & when that stops & the others come back, it's weaker. Drugs & sex does that too, but it's not like cutting, nothing's like cutting.

Then she close her eyes & found relief in a knife.

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Really moody now.

I don't know why. I mean, I know I've friends. But still yea..

Wengkit's going around mindfucking people. Have to tweet to him tmrw. While he's online. Hopefully I'd remember.

Honestly?

'She's a mind fucking bitch. She'll mind fuck you'

Look who's talking. Look who's the one mindfucking now. Look who's the one.

Wengkit, why are you being two faced now? Do you know when we grow up to work, we all have to be two faced. Why are you sacrificing your youth for this? Is it worth it? Apparently, yes.

I don't know.

I'm really confused now. Eyes swollen. It's tiring.

I got cheered up a bit while texting him though. Hahaha.

It's okay. I can't type anything now. I'm really confused. Feel so fucked up.

Fuck you, Wayne Chng. Seriously fuck you. I trusted you yknow... I fucking did, bitch. I feel so stupid. I keep on believing you. Now, please fuck off from my life. Idw to hear anything anymore. I feel damn fucked up. I'm damn confused. Go on, listen to your son, listen to your Wengkit. Idw to give a fucking fuck to you anymore. I'm done. You can just go do whatever shit you want & don't fucking expect me to give a fuck. Cause you didn't. You said you'll be here for me, you said you'll always believe me. Wow. Look what happen. You ask me why I can't stop cutting. Now I'm gna ask you, why is it so hard for people to keep one mother fucking promise. If you're gna just fuck up that promise, then well, you shouldn't even promise anyone in the first place. It's okay. I'm used to people leaving. I'm used to you leaving & coming back. But trust me, the next time you come back, don't expect me to be the same. Cause I honestly can't trust you anymore. You just tells everything to Wengkit. Very fun is it? I fucking trusted you, dude.

You ask me why I can't stop cutting. I ask you, why can't people keep promises.

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Cried in class. Brokedown like some fucker.

I was okay.. Then I heard your voice. & I can't stop crying. Raynold saw.. He saw me looking at you then look away trying to hide my tears.

I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I shouldn't exist. Why am I even here. I'm just a mistake.

Slept a lot today. Woke up, cry then go back to sleep.

I wanted to rant to you.. But it's okay. I finally understand. You don't care.

Yesterday de rant? It's my last one to you or anyone else.

I woke up, saw all my texts and cried again.

I wanted to text you, to tell you everything, but you didn't reply.. I waited for 50 mins, before deciding to sleep again.

I heard the voices again. Screaming to me that I'm worthless, I'm a failure. When I close my eyes, I saw the words forming.

I did it again. In school. I couldn't take it. 1 for Syed, 1 for Dingxiang, 1 for him, 1 for Shanya, 8 for the subjects I fail to get A, 1 for pe.

I'm a failure. I think of pe. I can never ever do anything right.

It's okay. Andy, I'd never play bball in my life again.. Cause a girl like me, how to play?

Wengkit saw me cry.. He told Wayne.

'Wayne, you don't know Cheryl at all. Trust me, I know her much much more than you'

Ohreally, Wengkit? I'm sorry, but I doubt you know me at all. What, I've never rant to you before, in my life. & trust me, I rant to only the people I trust. You? I've never trust you. How can you possibly know me better than Wayne?

I hate feeling like no one cares.

I'm sorry, lover. I'm so so sorry. But you don't understand. I need that penknife to be close to me. I need to feel it. The blade, the crystals. I don't know why I broke down. But I was afraid. So afraid I'd lose the thing that has always been there for me. I'm afraid of what might happen without that penknife. I'm sorry. I didn't choose it over you. But, I need it. I really do. I wanted to pass the penknife to Athens. But.. He didn't asked for it. So it's okay. I'll just keep it. I was stressed today. I got back my results & I did really badly. I hate myself for being sucha failure okay? And I was so stressed over 'em. Over everything. Over him. I couldn't take it anymore. I died mentally. I broke down. I need my penknife. With it, I wouldn't cry. You don't understand. But trust me, if I had to really choose between both, I'd choose it. & you should know it yourself.

The urge comes back once in a while to haunt me.

I'm sorry, I'm always bothering you. I'm sorry that I know you don't care yet I had to rant to you. I'm sorry I fell for you. I'm sorry I'm sucha failure. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I'm sucha freak. I don't know why you'd even talk to me or text me. But, you're too nice to tell me in my face that I'm annoying. It's okay. I understand that. I should stop texting you. But I'm too selfish. Idw to lose you. Idw to lose another good friend. I've lost too much. I'm too scared that I'd lose you like how I lost so many others. I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I'm just afraid of what I'd do if I lose you. You mean so much to me.. You don't understand. The thought of losing you just bring tears to my eyes. I'm serious.

Maybe, I'm never worth anything to anyone. Maybe all of this is a lie. Maybe I'm dreaming & I'd wake up finding myself all alone.

I'm sorry, Syed. I didn't mean anything. I'm sorry Dingxiang mean so much more to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not a good friend. Please, don't talk to me anymore. I no longer deserve this friendship. I'm so sorry things end up like this. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to do anything. I'm so sorry I helped you & Dingxiang be friends again. I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry I interfere for no reason. I'm so sorry for everything I've done. But thanks for all the memories. Thanks for always being there. I'm so sorry I'm not able to help you anymore. I'm so sorry. But if we're still friends, I'd blame myself all day. I'm so sorry I'm so selfish. I'm so sorry.. Goodbye.

& I'm gna lose everyone I love.

I'm sorry, Isabel. I'm sorry to make you so worried. I know you're doing it for my good. I know. But like what I've said, I can't do it.. I can't survive without it. I am so so sorry but iloveyou.

So much blood lost

I'm sorry, daddy. I'm so sorry for being in sucha bad mood these days. I'm so sorry. I know you love me most. I'm so sorry I'm not eating regularly anymore. I'm so sorry I'm no longer that daughter you used to knew. I'm so sorry I let us drift. I'm so sorry for everything that ever happen. I'm so sorry for quarreling with mummy practically everyday. I'm so sorry I've been hurting you so much till you had to see a counselor. I'm so sorry... I'm a failure as a daughter. I'm sorry my results are so bad. I'm sorry I can't do anything to help you. I'm sorry I did so badly. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve sucha good father like you. I'm so sorry I didn't dared to pick up my courage & ask you bout your back. I'm so sorry my pride got better of me. I'm so sorry I cut myself. I'm so sorry I'm sucha failure. I'm so sorry, daddy. I really am... I'm sorry you ever got a daughter like me. I'm sorry to ever exist. I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry to spend so much of your money. I'm sorry for not being considerate. I'm sorry. Iloveyou, daddy. I do..

I feel sorry for my parents to have a daughter like me.

'who're the only ones who stayed by your side when your boyfriend dumps you?

who're the only ones who stayed by your side when your best girl friends bitch about you?

who're the only ones who stayed by your side when you're having a damn bad outbreak and don't feel like going out of your house?

who're the only ones who stayed by your side when you fuck things up real bad and everyone else hates you?

who're the only ones who will bring you to the doctor in the middle of the night when you're running a high fever?

who're the only ones who will buy food back for you and leave it on the table for you to eat later on, even when you don't speak to them at home at all?

who're the only ones who love you without complaints though you bitch about them like fuck on twitter?'

-http://pxdkitty.blogspot.com/

They say they wouldn't leave

But they still did